I am a sinking ship

I was in the ER over the weekend because of my back. The pain was so excruciating that I spent a good deal of time face down on my bed sobbing. I knew I needed to do something.

I had been “functioning” for weeks with pain that would subside but never truly go away. It’s actually been years. Since the fall of 2018. I take meds and do things like yoga, stretching, acupuncture, special mattress topper, special seats, new shoes, compression socks, heat, ice packs, massage, pain meditation and more. Nothing truly helps.

The day before the ER visit I went to a private yoga appointment with a trusted friend and yogi. She offered me Reiki and I felt things shift and immediately some relief. Perhaps the Reiki released my pain that I had bottled up and inspired my need to ask for help.

I have been limping around like a wounded animal trying so hard to be brave and functional. I work. I take care of my dog. I am planning a wedding. I record podcasts. I go to community events. I participate in my writers group. I am a good friend. I am a dedicated and attentive daughter. I work to be a supportive spouse. I am so very tired. I am so very broken.

I feel like I am holding up the world above my head with wobbly legs. I am the table in the restaurant the rocks back and forth with one wonky leg. Any moment I could dump the contents on the floor.

And I take a lot of medications. I swallow pills. I try to read labels and make sure that everything gets take as prescribed. I drink. I sleep. I eat things that I want to make me feel better. Nothing really helps.

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