From The Archives….Spiders, Squids, and other creepy things

Spiders, Squids, and other creepy things that hide under the bed

 3/6/08

As a child, I had recurring nightmares about “something” scary that lived under my bed and only came out at night. It was usually a witch or something white and amorphous in nature but always ominous and scary. I had a dread and fear that these things would sneak up and startle me, catch me “off guard” and get me. Not sure what the “getting” involved I only know the sense of overwhelming fear and complete loss of control.

As an overly adult (parentified child as my psychologist puts it) even in crisis I was focused on caring for my younger brother and had to put my frighten child feelings away.

I am awesome in a crisis. Then and now. I am ready. My mind goes silent and I spring into action. I am all about the doing because I can fall apart later. For me the later never comes. For me the fear gets stuffed down deep into a dark scary place I never visit. Well, used to never visit. I have cleared out that closet pretty well with the help of therapy and only visit when necessary.

Still good in a crisis. Emotional adrenaline junkie to the core. When people are screaming and yelling at me on the phone at work. I go Zen on their asses. I get really calm and use my voice and tone to calm them down. Most of the time it works. When it doesn’t I cut them off. I don’t stand for that shit or take on their crap.

As an adult I have had to learn to sort through my own highly tuned radar for the human equivalent of “creepy crawlers” and now as a coach I have been trained professionally to spot and avoid several “personality” types including spiders, squids, narcissists, and sociopaths. Having had a few of these people cross my path (family, extended family, spouse’s family, acquaintances, work colleagues, members of groups) I get a gut feeling on people and have learned to tune into it. They don’t scare me. I see them for what they are and know not to invite them into my life. I avoid them. I take great care in avoiding them. Not out of fear but out of duty to create a life I want with purpose and intention.

I think as an adult I have less fear of the unknown but when I am plagued by nightmares it is the unseen which is infinitely more terrifying that the seen.

I consider myself a non-religious – “recovered catholic” but that imagery of “good” and “evil” is still very strong in my nightmares. Black and white thinking runs deep within. Recovering from that type of thinking has been difficult. Believing in good and evil brought me no comfort. I have come to believe there is both in everyone. We all hold the ability for both at all times and we make choices with what we are given (parents, circumstances, biology, etc) and set intentions by what we expect from life.

If I invite these spiders, squids, sociopaths or narcissists into my life then they will only create drama and conflict I don’t need or want. I have that choice. I live my life and clarify my intentions on a daily basis. I get back from others and from life what I put out. For example, if I wake up tomorrow and say to myself, “It will be a shitty day.” That is exactly what happens.

If I wake up and say, “Today, the bus will come on time. I will eat a beautiful breakfast. Get to work on time. Enjoy my work and help people. Take time to enjoy a work out at the end of the day and come home to my sanctuary.” That is exactly how my day with go.

Without question there will be energy that comes my way that is not positive. And it will bounce off my invisible shield and I will not take it in. I get in return what I put out into the universe. A spiritual teacher once told me, “Felicia, the universe doesn’t understand what you want. It only returns your intentions. If you greet each day with positive intentions it returns the same.” I feel fulfilled by that lesson. I continue to learn it each day. It doesn’t mean bad things don’t happen. There is still a lesson there for me. How much do I take it in? What do I want? What do I need today? How do I feel? Where will I go? 

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